What if burgers were cars? Well, they would be harder to parallel park without dripping special sauce all over the place. The lack of circular parking spots could also be a hindrance to the ultra fussy among us. Still, there would be fewer back seat drivers.

Burgers are already like vehicles -- many things to many people. Some are just plain cheesy, others are drowned in exotic toppings, many are completely overdone.

And those are just the cars.

But burgers are on the move as well. Like vehicles that now offer comfort over speed and conservation over consumption, increasingly burgers are being offered to consumers with snazzy new options.

Adapting to more refined tastes, the versatile burger is broadening its appeal.

Often dismissed as kiddie fare, they are moving on up, snug and warm in a takeout bag carried by George Jefferson on the elevator heading to his dee-luxe apartment in the sky.

Burgers aren't just for backyard beerfests any more, although that remains an honourable pursuit. Now, they are treading into the suburbs of gourmet-ville. When we talk fancy, we don't just mean the voluptuous Banquet Burger at the old Tivoli Restaurant, where you fuelled up before tackling Eaton's.

We're talking burgers beefed up with different kinds of meat and spices, the pot of gold at the end of a rainbow of toppings.

They are plump and juicy; fetchingly uneven; square or round. Some have buns to die for.

We're talking self-styled "gourmet" burgers. Dedicated foodies may turn their sensitive, highly-educated noses up at the name, but how else should one differentiate specialty burgers from the plain Janes? Aside from the price.

Speaking of money, consider this: At New York City's Wall Street Burger Shoppe, the bar menu features the Richard Nouveau Burger, for a modest $150 (yes, one hundred and fifty dollars): Prime Kobe beef, grilled and topped with aged Gruyere, shaved black truffles, foie gras and golden truffle mayonnaise.

Spencer's at the Waterfront in Burlington has this entry on the dining room menu: The 8 oz Spenny Burger: Ground prime rib, grilled portobello mushroom and Brie de Meaux ($15). Burger add ons: Fruitwood smoked bacon ($1) and seared foie gras ($15).

Spencer's recently decided to ramp things up at The Bite, the more informal service on the lake side of its upscale restaurant. The menu now includes the chef's version of gourmet burgers.

"We have really looked into this burger, and got the freshest meat possible, and worked out any number of different scenarios to make it the best that we can," says chef Mike Vogt.

Vogt said not all restaurants can be certain of precisely what they get when they order meat. But The Bite, Old Mill and Spencer's buy whole animals and make their own ground beef, so they have complete control over the end result.

They grind it themselves, and add their own fat. (The goal is to find the right balance -- a juicy burger without severe shrinkage.)

They did their homework, making burgers in their own kitchens and experimenting with different combinations.

Now? "We have perfected it."

Gourmet burgers include The Big Bite ($4.50); The Big Cheese ($5.25) with home-made cheese; Bacon and Cheeseburger, ($5.95) featuring double smoked bacon.

George Brown of Brownies Downtown, 275 King St. E., is proud of his gourmet burgers -- served as two, three-ounce patties, on a bias-cut, chargrilled baguette.

Toppings can include blue cheese, brie, aged cheddar, filet mignon and mushroom, plus a surf and turf that was just introduced, with a chargrilled butterflied shrimp, centred with bay scallops. Burgers are topped with in-house demi-glaze; surf and turf is topped with lemon-infused aioli.

"So they are unique, in the way they are dressed. We were pretty well the first in town that brought them in, two years ago, part of our tapas menu.

"We use a lean burger, then we put about 20 per cent lean pork in it. We puree onion and a little bit of garlic, all of sudden it brings up the intensity of the flavour. And the key is not to overcook them. The pork keeps moisture in there and gives it a bit more flavour.

"If you really want to taste your meat, use a lean beef. That way you will taste the beef flavour."

But that's just the tip of the iceburger.

Burger facts

It's not made with ham. So why is it called a hamburger?

* In the same way that sausages from Frankfurt, Germany, became frankfurters, spiced meat patties from Hamburg became hamburgers, as the Germans would say it.

* Then what is in a burger? The patty is ground meat, usually beef, that is broiled, grilled or fried and usually served in a bun.

* Based on five patties per pound, the average patty (no bun) made with lean ground beef, provides 10 essential nutrients including protein, B vitamins, iron, and zinc while contributing 7.6 grams of fat and 139 calories. The same patty made with regular ground beef has 10.6 grams of fat -- less fat than found in a commercial muffin, says the Ontario Cattlemen's Association.

* If you are searching online for top burgers in Hamilton, don't get your knickers in a knot by references to Hamilton Burger. He is the fictional district attorney who grilled witnesses in his weekly TV battles with lawyer Perry Mason. Wikipedia.org says in the novels, author Erle Stanley Gardner sometimes played on this pun by referring to him as "Ham Burger, the big beefy DA."

At the time this burger was placed on the menu at Selfridges department store in London two years ago, it was the world's most expensive. The ingredients were Wagyu beef (American-raised Kobe), a fresh lobe of foie gras, black truffle mayonnaise, Brie de Meaux, arugula, red pepper and mustard confit, and English plum tomatoes, all packed into sourdough bread that had fermented for 24 hours. It sold for what seemed at the time an incredible 85 pounds (about $170 Cdn in today's terms), but has since been surpassed by several other offerings.

blawson@thespec.com

905-526-2463