Letterman's Top 10

(from The Late Show with David Letterman, Nov. 13, 2008)

Top 10 highlights of the Dick Cheney/Joe Biden meeting

10. Cheney barred the door and yelled, "You'll never take me alive."

9. It was three hours of Guitar Hero.

8. Biden gave Cheney the number for his hair-plug guy.

7. Enjoyed a nice lunch interrupted by two shotgun blasts and a heart attack.

6. Lynne Cheney blinking out in Morse code -- "Help me. Help me. Help me."

5. Cheney had to leave early to get Bush's head unstuck from a microwave oven.

4. Had a heart attack during a heart attack.

3. They agreed the Late Show Fun Facts book may just be the thing to bring this country together.

2. For about 20 minutes, Cheney's pacemaker got HBO.

1. Upon seeing Biden, Cheney muttered, "I was hoping for the Alaskan broad."

Late-night laughs

(from Nov. 13, 2008)

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

The National Enquirer says that after campaign staffers blamed her for losing the election, Sarah Palin went on a rampage ... yelling and screaming and throwing things. But see, that's the National Enquirer. Are you going to believe them? These are the same people who said a year ago that John Edwards was having an affair.

Late Show with David Letterman

Sarah Palin might make a guest appearance on Desperate Housewives. When John McCain heard this, he said, "I'd like to be on Bonanza."

Sarah Palin says she wants to be bipartisan; she would like to help Barack Obama. And I thought, Hasn't she helped him already?

Late Night with Conan O'Brien

In Washington, D.C., today, Dick Cheney gave Joe Biden a tour of the vice-president's living quarters. Afterward, Biden said he loves the house, but he'll probably turn the dungeon back into a rec room.

The Late Late Show with Craig Ferguson

People in L.A. have been participating in an earthquake drill. Authorities are saying the drill has been a huge success -- apparently people in L.A. are used to things being fake.

Barbara Walters is doing a special on the man who got pregnant. If you get a sex-change operation then get pregnant, you may want to ask how good the doctor was.

Today in music history

In 1987, the Grateful Dead completed a series of three concerts in Long Beach, Calif. Seventy-nine Deadheads were arrested, mostly for drug offences. One police officer said the shows attracted "every weirdo from 200 miles around." Some of them, he said, were talking to trees and plants.

In 1997, Shania Twain became the first country artist to debut at number 1 on the Canadian album chart since the introduction of the sales-based Soundscan charts a year earlier.

Twain's album Come On Over sold nearly 52,000 copies in this country during its first week of release. It also debuted at number 2 on the Billboard album chart in the US.

Celebrity birthdays

Today: People's Court judge Joseph Wapner is 89. Actor Ed Asner is 79. Singer Petula Clark is 76. Singer Anni-Frid Lyngstad of ABBA is 63. News correspondent John Roberts is 52. Bandleader Kevin Eubanks (The Tonight Show with Jay Leno) is 51. Singer Chad Kroeger of Nickelback is 34.

Tomorrow: Actress Marg Helgenberger is 50. Actress Lisa Bonet is 41. Actress Martha Plimpton is 38. Actress Maggie Gyllenhaal is 31. Actor Noah Gray-Cabey (Heroes) is 13.