Late-night laughs

The Tonight Show with Jay Leno

(from Nov. 18, 2008)

Executives from General Motors, Ford, and Chrysler are trying to get a $25 billion loan. President Bush was against the loan until Cheney whispered in his ear, "Cars use oil."

Instead of giving $25 billion to the car companies, how about giving it to us, with the provision that it can only be used to buy a Corvette? They get the money; everybody gets back to work; and we all get a new car.

Late Show with David Letterman

Economists say only 34 shopping days left until bankruptcy.

The economy is so bad that today on Oprah Winfrey's show, she gave everybody in the audience a car ... company.

Late Night with Conan O'Brien

Executives from the auto industry are being criticized because to ask Congress for billions of dollars, they all flew to Washington in private jets. In their defence, the executives said, "We would have driven but our cars only get three miles per gallon."

Officials in Missouri have finally finished counting the presidential ballots, and they say that John McCain won that state. As a result, Sarah Palin now thinks she's the vice-president of Missouri.

Today in music history

* In 1949, Steve Van Zandt, guitarist with Bruce Springsteen's E Street Band, was born. Van Zandt has also played with and produced albums for Southside Johnny and the Ashbury Jukes. In 1981, Van Zandt and Springsteen collaborated on Gary (U.S.) Bonds' comeback album. Van Zandt was also responsible for gathering 49 artists to perform the 1985 Sun City single, with all royalties going to the anti-apartheid movement.

* In 1991, police in Toronto closed a shopping mall (Scarborough Town Centre) after an appearance by rappers Naughty by Nature got out of hand. Hundreds of people jammed a record store to see the group perform their hit O.P.P. The store's management shut out about 500 other fans who began pushing and banging on the glass doors. Three people were hurt in the mayhem and several stores reported incidents of looting.

* In 1992, Alice Cooper sold T-shirts, posters and albums to help raise money for a fan in Riverside, Calif., who was facing foreclosure on his home. Patrick Kelly had painted his house in a rainbow of colours, including likenesses of Cooper and his lyrics. The fundraiser made more than $11,000, more than enough for Kelly to meet his $10,000 payment.

Celebrity birthdays

Today: Actor Robert Vaughn (The Man from U.N.C.L.E.) is 76. Comedian-director Terry Gilliam (Monty Python) is 68. Singer Jesse Colin Young (The Youngbloods) is 67. Actress Jamie Lee Curtis is 50. Actor Stephen Geoffreys is 44. Actress Scarlett Johansson (Lost in Translation, Ghost World) is 24.

Tomorrow: Actor Steve Landesberg (Barney Miller) is 63. Actor Oded Fehr (The Mummy) is 38. Actor Page Kennedy (Desperate Housewives) is 32. Actress Kelly Brook (Smallville) is 29. Actor Lucas Grabeel (High School Musical) is 24. Actor Austin Majors (NYPD Blue) is 13.