The peas were blue. The artichoke was blue. The celery was blue. The salad greens were olive green. It was a strange-looking salad. But it seemed suitable in retrospect because who has ever seen a salad sitting on a hat?

Months ago, The Talk was asked to contribute to the celebrity pottery segment for the 38th annual art auction at the Dundas Valley School of Art held this past weekend. By the time The Talk got to Dundas, the only big piece left was a salad bowl. What to do with it?

Well, The Talk reasoned that it was known for the hat, so why not a salad bowl painted with a hat heaped with salad? It seemed to make sense. On went tomatoes, carrots, peas, lettuce, celery, cucumber, radishes. Pencil was the best tool because you can make lots of mistakes and pencil marks won't show after it's fired. The Talk went through three. A salad with eggplant and squash? Never had one of those.

But there were big spaces that needed filling. A red pouty mouth, outline of a nose, eyelashes and a little eyeshadow. It still looked naked around the outside. Hmm. A blue ribbon might do it.

By the time it was finished it was Easter weekend and the salad was big enough to feed 100. The next step was firing it. Out the window, thought The Talk.

There'd certainly be no competition with the likes of glass artist, Shirley Elford, artist Sandee Ewasiuk, Boris and Ardyth Brott, opera singer John Fanning, artist Bryce Kanbara, DVSA executive director, Arthur Greenblatt, artist Trevor Hodgson and artist Jude Johnson. Thirty-five celebrities in total.

But Spec colleague Jeff Mahoney? Ha. He probably wouldn't even be able to hold one of the fat-bristle brushes. The Talk has watched him spilling coffee at his desk for years. Absolutely no co-ordination.

Last week The Talk turned up at the school for a sneak preview. Oh my. There was the work of art sitting in a glass case. On the auction sheet it was labelled as flowers. So much for my take on vegetables. But blue veggies? "It was the way it was fired," said Jack Doherty, a retired teacher turned potter. "It gives it character."

That's the way they grow in the Mediterranean, said artist Maureen Steuart, with a playful grin on her face. "I think it looks like a mysterious, slightly flirtatious French woman who's wearing her salad on her hat and who will be happy when people eat the eggplant, unless she gets hungry or meets a nice man." Now there's a woman with imagination who can crank out a story on the spot. Her happy-looking folk-art piece was a tribute to the late artist, Conrad Furey.

The Talk looked at the auction sheets. Annette Hamm, cohost of CHCH News Morning Live, had several bids on her piece. Several others had names attached to the $10 opening bid. The Talk sneaked a quick look around and quickly put a relative's name as a bid on hers.

Then someone reported there was a dove trapped in the loft. Maybe it was symbolic, a sign from heaven. The dove would mysteriously disappear when Greenblatt decided that The Talk's piece just had to go the Art Gallery of Ontario. Yes, that had to be it.

Greenblatt was brutally honest when asked for his opinion of the salad hat. "It's typical of a beginning potter. You took a long time to do a little bit," he chortled. He is definitely off The Talk's seasonal greeting card list this year.

So what was the scoop on the celebs when they pored over their creations?

Police chief Brian Mullan stood on a ladder dropping paint down on his polka-dot bowl. "It was the highest we've seen the police chief yet," quipped Greenblatt.

Staff wrapped garbage bags around Hamm's high suede boots so they wouldn't get splattered with paint. Roy Green was uncomfortable doing one, he wasn't natural with it. Bob Cowan took three hours the first time. This year he took three minutes. Mayor Fred Eisenberger found his former Grade 10 math teacher, the aforementioned Jack Doherty. No mention of whether Jack helped him.

And no word of whether John Fanning sang as he painted. And isn't this too cute? Richard Koroscil, president and CEO of Hamilton International Airport and his wife, Lise Caza, a former graphic artist and now a jewellery designer, went off for a romantic lunch on Valentine's Day after they painted a platter with (what a surprise, dahlings) a flower incorporating the Hamilton International "hi" logo.

The Talk is already planning a sequel to her adventure. The ballad to a salad on a fat hat. Sounds like a perfect Dr. Seuss book to me.

And now for the really big news.

The salad hat fetched $50. All celeb pieces sold and made about $1,600 -- total to be matched by an anonymous donor. There were more than 1,500 art pieces on display.

sbourret@thespec.com

905-526-3305

Peas are blue, celery too, oh my, what's The Talk to do?

Local writers, journalists, artists and other personalities, 35 in total, contributed works of art for the 38th Dundas Valley School of Art Auction.