On a late summer day, in a small Wisconsin town, Wendy Brown prepared for her first day of high school.

There would have been so much to do -- tear through her wardrobe for the perfect outfit, play with her makeup until she found just the right look, practise faces and mannerisms over and over again in the mirror.

After all, not just anyone is accepted as a cheerleader. You have to have the right moves, the right look, the right personality and, oh yes, a cheque with the right amount of money. You know, for the uniform and such.

Which is why it must have been such a huge relief for Wendy when she was actually accepted by the Ashwaubenon High School Jaguars Spirit Team, was handed the coveted green and white uniform and attended her first practices and even a party at the coach's house.

It was quite a feat.

That is, until the cheque bounced. Until she skipped school. And until someone in the Ashwaubenon High School office decided to check up on her, only to discover they had no contact number.

After some investigation, it turned out that Wendy Brown was no ordinary high school student, no ordinary 15-year-old. It turned out this 15-year-old was actually 33.

And according to the Green Bay Press-Gazette where I found this story online, she is currently being held on bail on three criminal complaints, one of which is a felony charge of identity theft.

The court alleges she stole her own 15-year-old daughter's identity. A daughter who lives clear across the country in Nevada with her grandmother and who had no idea her mother was committing the absolute worst crime imaginable for the parent of a teenager -- trying to act like one of them.

Like Lindsay Lohan's mother before her, like 70 million different Law & Order characters, it always comes down to this: Mothers who have to somehow relive their childhoods (I'm going with childhood here because teenagers are kids, no matter how you slice it) by doing shots with, flirting with or partying with 16-year-olds should be locked up. Because how freaking embarrassing is it for their kids? Plus, nothing good ever comes of it anyway.

According to the Press-Gazette story, Brown claims she did it because she was trying to live a childhood she never had.

You see, the real danger with women like this is not that they secretly plan to deflower eager 17-year-olds (which I kind of think they do) or corrupt them with alcohol and possibly drugs. Quite frankly, I'm sure the kids would figure it all out on their own without help, anyway.

No, the real danger here is that stories like this give people ideas. People who live in Hollywood. People like writers and producers. And when people like that get ideas, movies starring Drew Barrymore get made. And distributed. And shown over and over again on TV on days when nothing else is on and it's raining out and you don't feel like moving off your couch. THERE'S the real danger.

Does everyone remember that doozy of a flick, Never Been Kissed? The one where Drew Barrymore wears frumpy dresses and smart-girl glasses because she works as a copy editor at a newspaper? She then "infiltrates" a high school and relives her youth.

Few movies have been more painful to watch. OK. In Bruges with Colin Farrell was worse. Oh, wait. Anything with Helen Hunt would be more painful to watch, although probably better written. Not necessarily, though. In any case, it's tough to beat Drew Barrymore in the bad acting category, not matter how well written the script may be.

But getting back to Wisconsin for a minute, I've seen a mug shot of this woman, as well as a shot of last year's cheerleading squad. And I've got to wonder -- is all the dairy in Wisconsin going to the people's brains, muddling it all up with milk and cheese and whatever? Seriously. Because not even on a planet where Drew Barrymore can act and Helen Hunt is likable and In Bruges is entertaining would this woman ever -- EVER -- pass for a teenager. Ever. Ever.

But they'll keep trying, I guess. The Wendy Browns and the Dina Lohans and so on. And they won't care that their actions affect more people than just their kids or themselves. They hurt the rest of us, too, in the form of bad movies and TV.

And for this they should be punished. Because you know we will be when the TV movie airs on the same night as the worst snowstorm of the year.

snadler@thespec.com